How can I ever show you my dear
Where is it that my eyes wander
What is it that makes my feet dance
What is it that makes my lips quiver
The silhouettes of dreams that shimmer afar
The rapture of the songs that sing in my heart
The vistas, the visions of places surreal
The road, the journey I am about to embark
Can I take you there? Maybe I can
Can you hold my hand? Maybe you can
But as I get lighter and as you get older
In your embrace you will see I will wither
But maybe when I go, I will just transfer
From the depth of my bosom to the depth of your heart
The silhouettes of dreams, the visions of lands
The map of the road for a journey afar
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
Silent Surrender
A hunger to deep
A thirst so raw
My lips so parched
My soul so empty
Not a thing, not a person
Not a place, not a being
What is it that I seek
To sate this yearning
I rise up the crests
I plunge in the troughs
Then come back to land
Emptier than before
They say its so close
Just look in your heart
It shimmers they say
In your silent surrender
I am yet to know
What this silence is
I am yet to learn
To surrender this being
But one thing I know
The old shore is lost
The only way now
Is to swim to thy feet
I only just hope
One day you will accept
All that I have
In a silent surrender
A thirst so raw
My lips so parched
My soul so empty
Not a thing, not a person
Not a place, not a being
What is it that I seek
To sate this yearning
I rise up the crests
I plunge in the troughs
Then come back to land
Emptier than before
They say its so close
Just look in your heart
It shimmers they say
In your silent surrender
I am yet to know
What this silence is
I am yet to learn
To surrender this being
But one thing I know
The old shore is lost
The only way now
Is to swim to thy feet
I only just hope
One day you will accept
All that I have
In a silent surrender
Monday, August 14, 2006
Virtual Rituals
A few days ago, a colleague who sits in the next isle of cubes wrote me an email,
“Arundhati, I am observing Laxmi vratam, would you come to my house for the pooja on Friday evening?”
“Sure, I’d love to!” I wrote back.
“Sweet! But hey, make sure you don’t have your period then…”
“Make sure!? How can I make sure?” I wrote, bewildered.
“Now, that’s your problem right? Hehehe!!”
“Hmph!! I will let you know on Friday.” I wrote, frowning.
“Hey, seems like you got mad! Don’t be mad, please. I don’t believe in this too you know, but what if the Gods get angry? So, I don’t think its appropriate! You understand, right?” She got slightly defensive.
No, I could not understand this. First, I was annoyed she had written me an email instead of walking over to my cube which is about ten steps from hers. And, second, this period business always throws me off the handle! I could not believe well educated, careerist women like my friend were still hung up on these beliefs. I have always believed that periods are, perhaps, the holiest of secretions of our body!
I could not go to her pooja after all. I did not make sure I did not have my period. In fact, it was as if I made sure I that I had it on that day! No regrets, I thought, I’d rather have my period than go to a pooja I did not believe in. But this episode made me wonder, are we following traditions just for the sake of following them or do we really believe in them?
In the traditional Indian society, innumerable rituals were celebrated throughout the year. Tradition mandated observing of many fasts and penances, poojas and festivals. If one thinks about these closely, one notices that these festivals and rituals were sequined in the lifestyle of the old Indian society, which was mostly agrarian. In fact, what you eat, what you wear, what rituals you perform, what rules you follow was all based on the current season and the agricultural produce available at that time.
The forefathers of the society made these rituals a part of the religion, probably in an effort to make religion part of life. Every festival, every ritual was to have a spiritual basis to it. The feelings with which these were to be celebrated were those of devotion, universal love and reverence towards life. The penances and sacrifices done while following the vratams were to purify the mind and control greed, lust and other disturbing tendencies. The main aim of these activities was to establish harmony and brotherhood in the society.
However, in the recent years, the Indian society has undergone a rapid change from a predominantly agrarian society to a predominantly modern one. In time, these rituals have morphed into dogmas. Blind beliefs, caste system and gender segregations have crept into what was once a pure and joyous way of life. The true spirit of religion has been lost and rituals are often followed without truly believing in them. More often than not, these occasions are used to show financial muscle or social clout. Instead of creating a harmony in the society they have ended up creating disharmony.
With the rapidly changing social landscape, one wonders, is it appropriate to follow the traditions for the sake of it? How can we tell that what we are following in the name of culture is what it was really meant to be? Do we ever wonder if the original thought has been tarnished by blind beliefs?
Although I was annoyed at my friend, she did make an interesting point – what if the Gods get angry, she had said, indicating that God was someone whom we should be afraid of. Isn’t it interesting that instead of love of God, what we have in our minds is fear of God?
These days, religion has been commercialized in many places. The other day I had gone to a temple near my house. This is a big temple which houses many deities worshipped at different places in India. In a sense, the idea behind this place is wonderful as it brings us expatriate Indians from various parts of India together and reminds us the we are one people. Many devotees come and worship the Gods to feel peaceful. However, one day I noticed that outside the temple, a priest sat at the counter, collecting money for Abhishekas – a special type of pooja. Above him, a hoarding read, “Pay for Abhisheka of two deities and get the third one free!” They were even offering a discount if one booked the Abhisheka through internet!
Really, what is important? This ritual of Abhisheka or the feeling with which it is done? If the feeling is pure, does it matter how we worship the God who loves one and all? And if we do choose to follow the ritual, do we make sure we do it with utmost purity and humility or does greed and commercialism creep in unknowingly? If you are going to pay for the pooja, would you not inevitably think what would give you the greatest bang for the buck? You would want more attention, if you gave a greater donation. You would want a special darshan, a more royal treatment before God. In all this commercialism, the real meaning of the religion is all but lost!
During the Ganesha festivals, the idols of Ganesha are stacked in the grocery stores just like the vegetables and spices. Sometimes, there is dust on the idols and even cobwebs around the place where they are kept. People who go to buy them first check the price, then turn the idols this way and that to see if there is a snag. They select the best idol they can get for their money and put it in the grocery cart with the rest of the grocery. The idol is placed in a plastic bag irreverently with dal and rice. It is then taken home and set up for pooja.
Seeing this sight in one of the grocery stores made me miss the little ceremony we used to have when we brought the Ganesha idol home. In the small town that I grew up, Ganesha festival would be celebrated in every house just like it was done in ours. Our father or uncles would go to the shop to get Ganesha’s idol and we children would follow them enthusiastically, forming a little procession. Before going to the shop, we would all make sure that we were properly bathed and wearing our best clothes. The feeling we had was as if we were bringing home someone who is very important.
“Ganapati Bappa Moraya!” we used to sing, in the praise of the lord, as we brought him home, covered under a silk cloth. The idol was then set it up in a specially decorated spot ceremoniously and pooja was performed.
For the next ten days, Ganesha would be the most celebrated guest in the house. The whole household would gather in the mornings and the evenings to sing the praise of the God. The sounds of mantras would resonate through every household in the town, along with the fragrance of incense and camphor. Lord Ganesha’s favorite foods were cooked and offered to him during the pooja. And this food was later consumed by the family in his name.
Then, after ten days, the idol would be taken to be immersed in water. As we took out another procession to see off the lord, we would sing
“Ganapati Bappa Moraya, pudhchya varshi lavkar ya!” Hey, lord Ganesha, please come sooner next year!
After the ceremony, we would come back with a heavy heart. It was as if a dear friend had gone away from us.
These days, celebrating the Ganesha festival has become a group activity. Various groups compete with each other to show off their decoration for their Ganesha. Who bought the biggest idol? Who spent the most money? These questions seem to be more important that the festival itself.
When I see on TV the lewd dancing, loud music and the fistfights that happen these days in the name of celebration, my mind fills with sadness. Really, where have we lost all that? Where is the love, the simplicity, the humility, the reverence? Where is our real religion?
Today we live in the virtual world – a world which is fast losing touch with reality. We email our friends, not talk to them. We send our brothers Rakhi greetings. We use evite to invite people to our parties. We decline these invitations through the same site. We can download pooja programs and follow the rituals. We even visit websites of various temples to pray to the Gods.
However, despite this, we have not lost our blind beliefs. Still, somewhere, we believe, I am a Bramhin, I am a Hindu, I am a Muslim, I am a Catholic. All we want to prove is that I am different from the other, that I am better. Just like everything else in our life, our religion, which is, first and foremost, being human, has lost it’s reality. It has become virtual!
Here’s hoping that we get out of the clutches of the virtual rituals and wake up to the real beauty of humanity.
“Arundhati, I am observing Laxmi vratam, would you come to my house for the pooja on Friday evening?”
“Sure, I’d love to!” I wrote back.
“Sweet! But hey, make sure you don’t have your period then…”
“Make sure!? How can I make sure?” I wrote, bewildered.
“Now, that’s your problem right? Hehehe!!”
“Hmph!! I will let you know on Friday.” I wrote, frowning.
“Hey, seems like you got mad! Don’t be mad, please. I don’t believe in this too you know, but what if the Gods get angry? So, I don’t think its appropriate! You understand, right?” She got slightly defensive.
No, I could not understand this. First, I was annoyed she had written me an email instead of walking over to my cube which is about ten steps from hers. And, second, this period business always throws me off the handle! I could not believe well educated, careerist women like my friend were still hung up on these beliefs. I have always believed that periods are, perhaps, the holiest of secretions of our body!
I could not go to her pooja after all. I did not make sure I did not have my period. In fact, it was as if I made sure I that I had it on that day! No regrets, I thought, I’d rather have my period than go to a pooja I did not believe in. But this episode made me wonder, are we following traditions just for the sake of following them or do we really believe in them?
In the traditional Indian society, innumerable rituals were celebrated throughout the year. Tradition mandated observing of many fasts and penances, poojas and festivals. If one thinks about these closely, one notices that these festivals and rituals were sequined in the lifestyle of the old Indian society, which was mostly agrarian. In fact, what you eat, what you wear, what rituals you perform, what rules you follow was all based on the current season and the agricultural produce available at that time.
The forefathers of the society made these rituals a part of the religion, probably in an effort to make religion part of life. Every festival, every ritual was to have a spiritual basis to it. The feelings with which these were to be celebrated were those of devotion, universal love and reverence towards life. The penances and sacrifices done while following the vratams were to purify the mind and control greed, lust and other disturbing tendencies. The main aim of these activities was to establish harmony and brotherhood in the society.
However, in the recent years, the Indian society has undergone a rapid change from a predominantly agrarian society to a predominantly modern one. In time, these rituals have morphed into dogmas. Blind beliefs, caste system and gender segregations have crept into what was once a pure and joyous way of life. The true spirit of religion has been lost and rituals are often followed without truly believing in them. More often than not, these occasions are used to show financial muscle or social clout. Instead of creating a harmony in the society they have ended up creating disharmony.
With the rapidly changing social landscape, one wonders, is it appropriate to follow the traditions for the sake of it? How can we tell that what we are following in the name of culture is what it was really meant to be? Do we ever wonder if the original thought has been tarnished by blind beliefs?
Although I was annoyed at my friend, she did make an interesting point – what if the Gods get angry, she had said, indicating that God was someone whom we should be afraid of. Isn’t it interesting that instead of love of God, what we have in our minds is fear of God?
These days, religion has been commercialized in many places. The other day I had gone to a temple near my house. This is a big temple which houses many deities worshipped at different places in India. In a sense, the idea behind this place is wonderful as it brings us expatriate Indians from various parts of India together and reminds us the we are one people. Many devotees come and worship the Gods to feel peaceful. However, one day I noticed that outside the temple, a priest sat at the counter, collecting money for Abhishekas – a special type of pooja. Above him, a hoarding read, “Pay for Abhisheka of two deities and get the third one free!” They were even offering a discount if one booked the Abhisheka through internet!
Really, what is important? This ritual of Abhisheka or the feeling with which it is done? If the feeling is pure, does it matter how we worship the God who loves one and all? And if we do choose to follow the ritual, do we make sure we do it with utmost purity and humility or does greed and commercialism creep in unknowingly? If you are going to pay for the pooja, would you not inevitably think what would give you the greatest bang for the buck? You would want more attention, if you gave a greater donation. You would want a special darshan, a more royal treatment before God. In all this commercialism, the real meaning of the religion is all but lost!
During the Ganesha festivals, the idols of Ganesha are stacked in the grocery stores just like the vegetables and spices. Sometimes, there is dust on the idols and even cobwebs around the place where they are kept. People who go to buy them first check the price, then turn the idols this way and that to see if there is a snag. They select the best idol they can get for their money and put it in the grocery cart with the rest of the grocery. The idol is placed in a plastic bag irreverently with dal and rice. It is then taken home and set up for pooja.
Seeing this sight in one of the grocery stores made me miss the little ceremony we used to have when we brought the Ganesha idol home. In the small town that I grew up, Ganesha festival would be celebrated in every house just like it was done in ours. Our father or uncles would go to the shop to get Ganesha’s idol and we children would follow them enthusiastically, forming a little procession. Before going to the shop, we would all make sure that we were properly bathed and wearing our best clothes. The feeling we had was as if we were bringing home someone who is very important.
“Ganapati Bappa Moraya!” we used to sing, in the praise of the lord, as we brought him home, covered under a silk cloth. The idol was then set it up in a specially decorated spot ceremoniously and pooja was performed.
For the next ten days, Ganesha would be the most celebrated guest in the house. The whole household would gather in the mornings and the evenings to sing the praise of the God. The sounds of mantras would resonate through every household in the town, along with the fragrance of incense and camphor. Lord Ganesha’s favorite foods were cooked and offered to him during the pooja. And this food was later consumed by the family in his name.
Then, after ten days, the idol would be taken to be immersed in water. As we took out another procession to see off the lord, we would sing
“Ganapati Bappa Moraya, pudhchya varshi lavkar ya!” Hey, lord Ganesha, please come sooner next year!
After the ceremony, we would come back with a heavy heart. It was as if a dear friend had gone away from us.
These days, celebrating the Ganesha festival has become a group activity. Various groups compete with each other to show off their decoration for their Ganesha. Who bought the biggest idol? Who spent the most money? These questions seem to be more important that the festival itself.
When I see on TV the lewd dancing, loud music and the fistfights that happen these days in the name of celebration, my mind fills with sadness. Really, where have we lost all that? Where is the love, the simplicity, the humility, the reverence? Where is our real religion?
Today we live in the virtual world – a world which is fast losing touch with reality. We email our friends, not talk to them. We send our brothers Rakhi greetings. We use evite to invite people to our parties. We decline these invitations through the same site. We can download pooja programs and follow the rituals. We even visit websites of various temples to pray to the Gods.
However, despite this, we have not lost our blind beliefs. Still, somewhere, we believe, I am a Bramhin, I am a Hindu, I am a Muslim, I am a Catholic. All we want to prove is that I am different from the other, that I am better. Just like everything else in our life, our religion, which is, first and foremost, being human, has lost it’s reality. It has become virtual!
Here’s hoping that we get out of the clutches of the virtual rituals and wake up to the real beauty of humanity.
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Dream Away
You step into the garden with hesitant feet. Your eyes blink in the bright light. You have spent your life in darkness for so long that you are a stranger to it's luminosity. On your face is a joyous incredulity. "Is this happening to me?" you wonder again and again as you take his hand and walk a few more steps on the soft green grass. The fragrance of spring assaults your senses and you breathe in the sunshine warmth.
He smiles at you and you smile back. He caresses your soft hair and you put your head on his shoulder. The warmth around you engulfs you both into the realms of many possibilities.
Your heart is beating fast with anticipation. "Is this for real?" You wonder. "Why does he like me?"
"Why didn't this happen to me before? Why did I not walk these shores in an age that I should have? Did these rainbows have to appear so late?" Many questions pulse in your mind with every beat of your heart.
My dear, who knows when one would get a certain joy in life? Who are we to decide what is the appropriate time? Just as when we go through suffering we should not ask Why me? Why now?, while accepting the joys, we should be reverent and humble. Some of us get something early in life, the rest of us have to wait for it. The joy we were seeking was always precious, but when you get it after a long wait, it becomes priceless!
Life is a dynamic flow, it makes us sink and rise, gush towards joy and fall into the abyss of sorrow. The only way to live it is to embrace whatever comes your way with open arms and make the most of it.
There is not much I can say to you now. I see your joy and I feel happy. I just want to tell you, dream away dear friend, get drunk on this joy! Let the cadence of this happiness take you both to the heights of rapture you have never seen before.
Then looking at you, some of us would realize, life is not as unfair as it seems, after all. Yeah, it is worth the wait!
He smiles at you and you smile back. He caresses your soft hair and you put your head on his shoulder. The warmth around you engulfs you both into the realms of many possibilities.
Your heart is beating fast with anticipation. "Is this for real?" You wonder. "Why does he like me?"
"Why didn't this happen to me before? Why did I not walk these shores in an age that I should have? Did these rainbows have to appear so late?" Many questions pulse in your mind with every beat of your heart.
My dear, who knows when one would get a certain joy in life? Who are we to decide what is the appropriate time? Just as when we go through suffering we should not ask Why me? Why now?, while accepting the joys, we should be reverent and humble. Some of us get something early in life, the rest of us have to wait for it. The joy we were seeking was always precious, but when you get it after a long wait, it becomes priceless!
Life is a dynamic flow, it makes us sink and rise, gush towards joy and fall into the abyss of sorrow. The only way to live it is to embrace whatever comes your way with open arms and make the most of it.
There is not much I can say to you now. I see your joy and I feel happy. I just want to tell you, dream away dear friend, get drunk on this joy! Let the cadence of this happiness take you both to the heights of rapture you have never seen before.
Then looking at you, some of us would realize, life is not as unfair as it seems, after all. Yeah, it is worth the wait!
Monday, July 17, 2006
Reflections
One can hardly predict, when in life one experiences an epiphanic moment. Nuggets of wisdom are littered around all of us, yet to pick the right one at the right time and letting it touch your heart is another matter.
I was rummaging through our old suitcases - the ones that we brought when we came to US many years ago - and found a gem, an old, worn out cassette (yeah cassette!) of a collection of gazals by Ahmed Hussain and Muhammad Hussain! Fortunately for me, the cassette was not all destroyed. I could actually play it and listen to some of my all time favorite gazals, one of which I quote here.
Aainese kab talak tum apna dil behelaoge
Chayenge jab jab andhere khudko tanha paoge
How long will you indulge in reflections? After all, when the darkness falls, you would find yourself all alone.
Really, isn't that what we do? Build a home of mirrors, much like the sheesh mehal (palace of mirrors) of Mughal-E-Azam and call that our life? We interpret people, places and events not for what they are, but for what they look like to us. Our feelings and emotions are colored with our experiences and pre-dispositions. We even prefer to live in self image rather than in acknowledging our true self. As we grow older, all we do is raise guards around our true self and call that maturity. Not only do we close ourselves down, we also begin to view with suspicion those who choose to be free.
Many times in life have I dug myself a hole, only to eventually crawl my way out of it. Every time, after much soul searching when I eventually came out, a new vista has presented itself, a new lesson has been learned and a new clarity has emerged. I have learned that one cannot sustain a world of pretensions for long. No matter how long you think you can keep up the bubbles of reflections, the time of reckoning with truth comes sooner or later. The hardest part, perhaps, is to have the courage to face the truth when it presents itself.
There is much in life that I have lost or I never had. But there is much in life that I do. For everything I have, I have struggled. But struggling and winning is much better than struggling and failing.
Each morning, when I wake up besides my husband, I feel, God, I love this man, what would I be without him? And I feel immensely grateful! There are many things I could list that make my life full, and there are many other things which have left a gaping hole in it. But whatever it is I have and lost is all a part of my truth.
In life as events come and go they leave behind golden nuggets of memories - some good, some bad - but all together they sparkle in the sun and in the end, when we look at them dazzled, we know, this is what they called the Truth!
I was rummaging through our old suitcases - the ones that we brought when we came to US many years ago - and found a gem, an old, worn out cassette (yeah cassette!) of a collection of gazals by Ahmed Hussain and Muhammad Hussain! Fortunately for me, the cassette was not all destroyed. I could actually play it and listen to some of my all time favorite gazals, one of which I quote here.
Aainese kab talak tum apna dil behelaoge
Chayenge jab jab andhere khudko tanha paoge
How long will you indulge in reflections? After all, when the darkness falls, you would find yourself all alone.
Really, isn't that what we do? Build a home of mirrors, much like the sheesh mehal (palace of mirrors) of Mughal-E-Azam and call that our life? We interpret people, places and events not for what they are, but for what they look like to us. Our feelings and emotions are colored with our experiences and pre-dispositions. We even prefer to live in self image rather than in acknowledging our true self. As we grow older, all we do is raise guards around our true self and call that maturity. Not only do we close ourselves down, we also begin to view with suspicion those who choose to be free.
Many times in life have I dug myself a hole, only to eventually crawl my way out of it. Every time, after much soul searching when I eventually came out, a new vista has presented itself, a new lesson has been learned and a new clarity has emerged. I have learned that one cannot sustain a world of pretensions for long. No matter how long you think you can keep up the bubbles of reflections, the time of reckoning with truth comes sooner or later. The hardest part, perhaps, is to have the courage to face the truth when it presents itself.
There is much in life that I have lost or I never had. But there is much in life that I do. For everything I have, I have struggled. But struggling and winning is much better than struggling and failing.
Each morning, when I wake up besides my husband, I feel, God, I love this man, what would I be without him? And I feel immensely grateful! There are many things I could list that make my life full, and there are many other things which have left a gaping hole in it. But whatever it is I have and lost is all a part of my truth.
In life as events come and go they leave behind golden nuggets of memories - some good, some bad - but all together they sparkle in the sun and in the end, when we look at them dazzled, we know, this is what they called the Truth!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
For P
Each day I raise my hand
To knock on your door
Then I take it back
And turn around, alone
Beyond the door you live
Perhaps sad, perhaps happy
A burden of many questions
Chafes at your shoulders
I want to touch that burden
I want to release that pain
I want to be free of them
I want to set you free
What more do I want ?
I don't know and never have
Your anger perhaps I want
Then your sorrow, some more
Fragile something we hold
A golden crown of thorns
It could prick or it could sparkle
But we cannot take it off
I said I'd go away
But could I really leave?
You said you'd stay away
But can you really be?
With you so far beyond
My sorrow is not complete
With me away from you
Can your joy be free?
Tell me what to do
So I can come near
To look you in the eyes
To tell you I am here
To see you soar with joy
To hold you in your pain
To show you all my dreams
To see yours sustain
Don't crush this precious bond
Don't feed it to your fears
Life is long and dark
Full of lonely years
I say I am a sinner
Worthy of your disdain
Punish me thus my dear
Give me all your pain
To knock on your door
Then I take it back
And turn around, alone
Beyond the door you live
Perhaps sad, perhaps happy
A burden of many questions
Chafes at your shoulders
I want to touch that burden
I want to release that pain
I want to be free of them
I want to set you free
What more do I want ?
I don't know and never have
Your anger perhaps I want
Then your sorrow, some more
Fragile something we hold
A golden crown of thorns
It could prick or it could sparkle
But we cannot take it off
I said I'd go away
But could I really leave?
You said you'd stay away
But can you really be?
With you so far beyond
My sorrow is not complete
With me away from you
Can your joy be free?
Tell me what to do
So I can come near
To look you in the eyes
To tell you I am here
To see you soar with joy
To hold you in your pain
To show you all my dreams
To see yours sustain
Don't crush this precious bond
Don't feed it to your fears
Life is long and dark
Full of lonely years
I say I am a sinner
Worthy of your disdain
Punish me thus my dear
Give me all your pain
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Now when I wear my saintly mask
You see in me the evil
When I had worn my evil
You said I was a saint
Who is right and who went wrong
What is held and what is lost
Ho do you in your world
Measure friends and foes
How do you in your saneness
Make sense of us insanes
I never claimed I was good
I have always been one lost
But you who has found your way
Why should you grope in the dark?
You see in me the evil
When I had worn my evil
You said I was a saint
Who is right and who went wrong
What is held and what is lost
Ho do you in your world
Measure friends and foes
How do you in your saneness
Make sense of us insanes
I never claimed I was good
I have always been one lost
But you who has found your way
Why should you grope in the dark?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)