Monday, November 14, 2005


You asked me, "What if we fall in love?"

I replied, "If I feel likewise, I will become silent, if I don't, I will lash out at you for thinking about love. Meanwhile, let me flirt without fear!"

You shrugged your shoulders, "Women!" You complained, "Bah!" You sighed. And, I laughed at your befuddlement, at my heart's content.

But you did not understand the mystery of my laughter, and also of my statement. I would not explain too much about the thrashing part. The society has given me a right to do that to anyone who makes an unwanted overture. But silence? Yes, that deserves an explanation!

What would my silence mean, if and when that happens? Is it a defense mechanism? Is it a way of acting coy, to increase the mystery surrounding me, just so that you pursue me? Or, is it something far beyond the realms of words and also, perhaps, beyond the realms of expression?

It probably is, all of the above. It is my way of going into a cocoon - a way of hiding myself into the warm, cozy nook of that wonderful feeling of being in love and being loved back - away from the ravages of the right and the wrong, the duties and the responsibilities, the fears and the prejudices, the what ifs and the how comes; and more importantly, away from the big question - What Next?

This silence would let me shut down the noises of the world and listen to my inner voice crying out your name. It will let me feel that bittersweet longing for you seeping into me, nourishing me, suffusing and enriching my being. It will let me close my eyes and feel your presence within me, around me, beyond me. It will let me see that I am not me, and you are not you anymore, neither am I yours. But, I am you and you are me; we are indivisible, in this world and beyond.

This silence would let me be free!

Do you see now, why the laws of fidelity don't bother me? It is only where love rests on the altar of my life, that lets me maintain my integrity. It is impossible for just anyone to climb those heights. For you, or for anyone to climb there, I will have to be incredibly lucky and so will you.

So, till then, my dear, lets laugh and cry, share and tease, dream and believe, together, in shared spaces, until it lasts, for with or without the silence, I will have to go away from you, one day.

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