Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Queen of Solitude

The plug has been pulled. The last of the vapid murmur has ceased. I recline in the chair, exhausted, alone. Me - the queen of solitude. The darkness engulfs me like an old, trusted friend. I welcome it with a smile. It has served me well - this darkness. It is one thing that has never betrayed me in my life.

Blessed be this stupor that hangs like a thick fog on my mind. It is intoxicating! I feel like I am back in the womb, curling snugly in the faceless warmth. The questions, the answers, the mindless struggles, all seem to be so far away.

Some day, the rays of light will burn holes in my skin. Some day, the questions will drive a nail through my heart.

But not now. Nothing can touch me now. All that ever touched my heart, I have successfully dispatched far away. Nothing is mine anymore - neither the happiness, nor the sorrow, nor the ones whom I loved and who, perhaps, loved me back. I have turned them away. I ran away from them or made them run. All those things I fought for, I blew them in the air. The masks I wore have been thrown away. Even that old skin has been shed!

Will I ever be missed?

I don't care anymore and, in time, they won't either! That's okay I guess. Or maybe, that is what I want - to vanish from memories, to be obliterated from lives, to be as if I have never existed. I hope all that I went through earned me the death of anonymity.

Who has won this stupid game? If not me, then who cries in triumph?

The silence of total surrender, resonates in my solitude.

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