Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Ever so often you come face to face with the monster in you.

This can't be me! You say incredulously as you see in the mirror of your soul and a leering, hungry, jealous, ruthless, obsessive demon grins back at you.

You are shocked! Your first reaction? You want to deny it exists. You want to run away and be that nice person you thought you were. You just want to be warm and loving to the persons you care so much about. But when that monster takes over, you are not you anymore! It makes you trample everything you held dear - the tenderness, the principles and also the fragile, beautiful corners of life where you raised the spring garden.

What is worst, as much as you try to hide it, what you are is way more obvious to those around you. Those who love you enough and know you well, hang around patiently, faithfully. They know this is not who you are, and that one day you will be back to your real self. The others reject you. Leave you. Call you a bitch. Suddenly, everything around you takes on the edge of a sword. Everything shines bright but scathes you all the same.

Then begin the beatings. First, as the demon, you beat yourself for not getting what you wanted. The demon urges you to fall to the depths, to grab, to steal, to manipulate, to force your way into getting it at any cost. Suddenly, you find yourself dancing a murderous dance of greed. The ruins around you increase in number as everything crushes under your terrible feet.

Then comes the next stage as you awaken to the truth. As you begin to balance the books of your life, what you lost in the process starts becoming more and more obvious. The ruined castles of dreams cry out loud, gaping into the empty sky. Exhausted from your dance, you suddenly see that all that you wanted you have got, but it is coated in the miasma of avarice. You realize, this is not how you wanted it at all! The misery of those you hurt begins to bite you. The noose of failures tightens to chafe and you begin beating yourself for letting the demon take you over one more time.

But what you lost is gone, and you realize with a sinking feeling it will never come back. What you held tight in your fist has withered away. It was never yours anyway. All you are left with are the abandoned dreams of what could have been and the chronicles of the demon who made them fall through the cracks.

But there is something else. Something fragile, but beautiful. There is a little hope, a lesson learned, an opening of the heart. A little more growing up has happened even as you wallowed in self pity. A part of you has surrendered, softened and learned to love unconditionally. The mighty iceberg has melted just a little bit and a tremendous strength has developed somewhere deep within.

In the end, you know that some day, the monster will come back again. But, now, you also know that nine times in ten, you will be able to fight it back!

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