Thursday, August 11, 2005

Stranger to Words

I have been living through days when nothing has been touching my heart. Life is expanding horizontally and my days are filled out somehow, but there is no direction, no vivacity. What's more, I am feeling complacent about it. I just don't want to think about a destination. Is this what is called growing up- when the spark in your eyes, the fire in your belly, the dream in your heart slowly dies away beneath the ashes of reality?

At night there is heaviness in the heart. All the things that need to be done but have not been done yet crowd out the vestiges of dreams and I fall into fitful sleep, telling myself I would be "good" from tomorrow. But what is being good? And for what? I don't know, I don't ask. I just resolve knowing fully well that the next day I will start slipping from it. It feels good at the time - to make a resolve - so I do it and sleep.

Where are the words in all this - all those emotions, the tenderness, the happiness? All that I thought was the juice of my life is buried under a thick, viscous placidity. I am so far from myself that when I read through my own writing, I feel I am watching a stranger. Full of fiery passion, but still a stranger. Will I be able to find myself? Will I be shaken out of this stupor? I don't know, but I hope so. One way or the other may this equilibrium be broken!


  1. Hey Arundhati,

    That was a powerful post, I "enjoyed" its brooding honesty.

    You are VERY MUCH in tune with yourself when you write, it's quite apparent. So, please don't think you're reading the words of a stranger when you read your writing.

    Sometimes, when I go back to read a particularly reflective or melancholy post of mine, it doesn't feel like me at all. But I try to realize that what I'm reading NEEDED to come out of me. Writing is therapeutic for me, and for you, I would guess, as well.

    Keep writing, but also, act. Act on those nighttime resolutions, even if you're skeptical by the morning.

    Whoa - I'll stop. Just wanted to say, that post clearly struck a chord with me!


  2. Try to take it easy.You seem to be
    loaded and heavy try to release it.

  3. Plant a tree, learn an instrument. It will lift you and put you close to the clouds. :)

  4. hey, dropping back in here...
    you know I feel exactly the same, sometimes...damn...! I feel quite numb and just watching the world go by, making nothing good of it sometimes...but try to snap back into reality by taking off for a hike at times...whats your fix?

  5. Fix? Well what can I say :-) just get there and write!!!

    Also, being a girl I can cry. So I bawl my heart out, wipe my tears and get back up!

    See I am already feeling better :-)

  6. its nice... but then i have to look back... back to non infinity!!!

  7. have you ever had someone scratch a itch on ur back ... a little lower, bit to the left ... and then the nirvana as they get it just right ... u've hit the spot ... thank u for the words ... feeling just like that. what hurts most is the indifference - the feeling that i cant even rouse myself enough to care abt the rut

  8. to me , u seem to be well on coursze to being "human" in a world which is getting increasingly dehumanised.ever wondered at the word, "in-dividual"; it is one who is not divided within..whereas there are a million ppl within us and as many conflicts...seems to be the generic human be in touch with this "reality" to me a critical step to address fundamental existential issues..i do find most people "unconscious" of the death and decay...within and without..wounds get healed only when they r opened up...boredom, meaninglessness,lethargy etc are universal and cosmetically addressed from time to time.If we observe closely, suffering as a unit has been a constant; only its manifests vary..and pain by itself is colorless; whether it is a heartbreak or a financial crisis; if we were to look at the pain in isolation,we cannot identify its origins...this pain can only be dissolved...dissolution of suffering is liberation..and happens only in realms beyond teh mind.The mind is incapable of joy, love and fulfilment.
    oops..thats a long response..was inspired by your expressions...mebbe u may find some mirroring opportunities in some or all of my postings..wud luv to keep in touch if u share teh inclination.
    all the best