Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Innocence

Kiss your children tonight

For tomorrow by this time

A little more of the innocence 

In this world would have been lost


It has been in the throes of death

For a good while now

But lately the cries of agony

Have been piercing through the night


Even as death set its claws

The first piece chipped away

It flailed and wailed for help

But too busy we were to listen


You were not the one who killed it

Certainly, neither was I 

But in good faith can we say

That we never cast a stone?


Through that kiss you may hope

Generations and generations forth 

They may not remember us 

As the ones who let darkness prevail


Through that kiss to your children

Transmit a little love, an apology 

Say, we couldn't stop its fall 

But in it and in you as well

We shall believe forever






Monday, October 29, 2018

The Circle of Love

I used to wail, "I am yours"
Hoping my entreaty
Would reach your ears
Across the deserts
Across the mountains
Across the seven seas

My bleeding heart
Would take succor
In the fact that you belonged
Albeit, to those more luminous,
To those surefooted
Yet, at least, it seemed possible
For you to belong

I tried hard to draw curtains
Over the fertile valleys of
My heart
Where hope and love were
Jostling to breathe
Not for me, I would chasten
Not for me, not yet
For mine was the path of yearning
And waiting from a distance

Then, one day you heard the cry
And as is your wont
You moved the mountains
Scaled the deserts
Crossed the seven seas
And just like that
One fine day
You came for me

"You are mine" you whispered
In my bewildered ears
And all I was worried at the time
As I shuddered and shook
Was how disheveled I looked
Not at all worthy
Of your radiant presence

You held me close
In a reassuring embrace
And repeated,
"You are mine
Yes, you were always mine"
As I drunk in your vision
At least as much as my senses
Could drink with the heart full

Then day by day I found my feet
And learned to walk with you
Side by side
I learned to live with you
In you, for you
Reading your heart
Knowing your signs
All that I ever had
Became yours

Even as I felt this was it
And my heart was now full to brim
And there was nothing more
I could ever wish for
You decided to play
Your infinite jest

"I am yours" you said
With pleading eyes
Innocent as a baby
Full of longing of
An unsatisfied lover

I looked at you, baffled
What more could I possibly give?
All that I had was already yours
And I was so content
Doing all your bidding

Then it dawned on me
The circle of love
Was yet to complete
It was now for me to
Accept you
Just as you had accepted me

But to accept you
I had to be you
Glorious and infinite
All encompassing and unalloyed
There could no longer
Be a me and a you
It had to be only you and you
From now on

I smiled knowingly
As I understood
It was now my turn
To move those mountains of ego
Scale those deserts of doubt
And cross the seven seas of self
It was now my turn
To come to you and embrace
And whisper in your ears
"You are mine"


































Saturday, July 29, 2017

Prisoners

The night creeps under the skin
Limbs stiff, eyes wide awake
As the day dawns and alarms blare
The prisoners arise to face another day

The scramble begins from house to house
The screaming, the jostling, the angry shouts
Half eaten plates,  half made beds
Empty homes waiting for the night

Hordes and hordes of hopes and dreams
Of plans and worries, of needs and wants
Neckbands chafing against the raw skin
Achy feet stuffed in high, high heels

Pretensions and schemes, defeats and triumphs
Each day continues in a battle after battle
Some lay dying, others are wounded
Bitter, bitter hearts live for another day

A day when there'd be freedom
A day when there'd be life
A day when fulfillment can be
Savored with delight

But the day will never come
For the nests will forever be empty
The little birds who seek to smile
Would have flown away forever

The prisoners will then
Have  count their own wrinkles
The joy of the triumph, the ache of defeats
Will fade away as do their eyes

Arundhati (July 29 2017)













Monday, May 15, 2017

Burn

I will stay and I will burn
Even as the heat
Chokes my lungs
Stings my eyes
Scorches my skin with its fiery whip
I will not struggle
I will not complain
I will just stay and accept the blaze
I will stay and I will burn

Let it come, let it come and have at it
For it will find no fight behind these doors
There will be no cries, no wailing for mercy
Neither a queer pleasure in pain
If come it must, it must see a stoic face
A clear mind and no regrets

Understand this before you balk
Life is burning and burning is living
Burning for pleasure, burning for pain
Burning for love, burning in lust
Burning in desire, burning in fulfillment
Burning in action and burning in regret

Each of us burns and burn we do
Even as we cringe and cry and complain
Even when we bask in glory and fame
For one day we fear it shall slip again
As we get flung in the abyss of pain

Up and down, up and down we go
Being dipped over and over in this scalding river
As the ferris wheel turns and turns again
And life becomes a game of pleasure and pain

What for the fear and why the complaint
When you can just own and accept your pain
Face it in full with your back straight
And let it just burn right in your face
It will just burn and burn itself out
With it, it will take your regrets and doubts
You will then shine and wear your scars
With a warrior's pride in a warrior's heart










Monday, September 14, 2015

Farewell

My eyes, now and then, turn towards the door
Hoping you will be standing there
My head knows you wont be
And my heart wishes otherwise

And what are we really?
Not lovers,  no we can't be!
Not friends, for time for friendship is past
Not of relation of the blood, for that never was

This unexplained bond of the souls
So much at ease when with each other
Seemingly indifferent when farther apart
Yet, invariably, bound across distances and time

One day, at a lark, I tugged at that thread
And you took time but pulled from the other end
Our eyes met, our souls connected
And a glimmer of joy lit up life's humdrum

Somewhere we knew it won't last
The cocoon of our lives was too hard to break
And we hung against different trees
Waiting for our respective liberation

Yet there is a modicum of regret
The end came too soon, abruptly and sharp
Perhaps we could've lingered just a little longer
Perhaps we could've peeked into that box

But may be its better that we did not
Some of life's gifts are best left unopened
Perhaps you were scared, just as I was
That we'll be forced to name the unnamed bond












Friday, September 11, 2015

Sorry

Seized by the dream
I reached out
And you took my hand
With hesitant fingers

Our eyes met briefly
And I admit
There was a sparkle
In the way I smiled

You smiled too
But with dignity
Still bewildered
Struggling to resist

But I bit my lip
And wound my hair
Around my finger
Just the way you liked

Then you melted
And burst into flames
Smothered for so long
In the depths of time

I snapped back
As the heat burned me
Took a sharp breath
And turned away

You were left behind
Yet again
Picking the pieces
Of what you couldn't have

I am just so, so sorry....












Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Alone

All around me
Alliances form
And I am alone.. alone

Atoms join atoms
Molecules fuse
But I am inert.. alone

Its always been
What this is like
For me just to be alone.. alone

All my life
I have been running
From being left alone.. alone

But now I am tired
Or maybe just stronger
For I turn around and face... alone





Thursday, July 23, 2015

Wanderer

Wandering through the hallways
Wandering through the roads
Knowing, not knowing
The purpose and the end

Unable to stay unhinged
Unable to be weighed down
Flotsam,  jetsam
Wandering in the sea

Trying to construct
A life, a facade
Complete with dreams
Desires and heartbreaks

Yet feeling emptier
With each passing day
Jagged edges, frayed corners
Joys and sorrows, all pointless

So when the time comes
And the curtains are drawn
The wanderer will still wonder
What was this all about







Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Unbidden

Again, unbidden, your scent appears
And the facade crumbles
And scatters on the sidewalk

As I stare at you in bewilderment
You appear in all your finery
Beautiful, naked, vulnerable and stupid

Waif-like you stand tangible, intangible
And stare at me with the same twinkle
That I tried so hard to wipe from my eyes

This cannot be. What do I do with you?
You, my distant past,
You, my bittersweet memory

Don't you see I cannot,anymore
Embark with you
On that mad excursion?

My wings now clipped, my fins neatly folded
All hint of madness
Erased from my eyes

I shoo you away
And you turn back, wounded
A strange resolve building in your eyes

You wont leave it, will you?
Not until your debt is paid
Well you have to wait, and show up again

Tomorrow





Sunday, July 1, 2007

Distances

I leap through days and months
Years and events
Putting a distance between you and me
At every milestone I leave behind
A little of your innocence, your passion
Your beauty, your dreams
And, thankfully
Your silliness, your impulses
Your mistakes, your blind turns

Am I glad that I live as you die?
I don't know if I am
For once in a while
I do see you in the mirror
Frozen in time
Distances between you and me
Merge and shatter then
And in that moment
I am you again, all over

I am glad yet I squirm
For I don't want to be you anymore
This mad journey has been
Just to make it so
Yet in this fervent persuit of truth
I have forgotten somehow
If its I who is the mask
Or it was you who had lent the covers

Friday, March 9, 2007

Six Billion People In This World; Not A Friend In Sight

A few days ago, I went to the lunchroom around noontime, only to find that the usual lunch crowd was missing. After waiting for them for a few minutes, I opened a newspaper lying close by and began munching on my lunch. After all, eating alone was not new to me. Besides, this crowd with whom I had my lunch comprised primarily of my male coworkers, who, I knew had a habit of disappearing.

In a few minutes, another colleague came by hastily, carrying an enormous lunch box.

“Where are the others?” He asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. I waited for them for a while, but I was too hungry and could not wait anymore. Seems like they are off to somewhere.”

“Oh, but I will have to wait for them.” He said, frowning, and went over to the phone to call and see if anyone was around. After trying for a few minutes he came back and sat restlessly, staring at his lunch box. I watched him from the corner of my eyes as he made two more trips to the phone, hoping to reach someone, but, apparently, without luck.

“So, are you going to start your lunch?” I asked watching him sigh and sit down on a chair across me.

“Yeah, I guess!” He said, opening his lunch box reluctantly. “You know, when I find myself alone like this, I get scared. I feel as if there is some action going on somewhere and I am not the part of it. I feel left out!”

I smiled and said nothing but, secretly, I was amazed. I never expected an obviously popular man like my colleague to harbor this insecurity. In fact, he was one of the people who were always surrounded by a crowd.

Maybe it’s not just me, I thought, as a flood of memories came back. I remembered the bitter, lonely teenage years when I was ridden with social anxiety and self doubt. I remembered how I used to torture myself for not being able the gel in large groups the way I wanted to gel. I would compare myself with the others and inevitably come to the conclusion that they had a rocking social life, while I was the one left out. So much so, that sometimes I would suspect, it was some kind of a cosmic conspiracy aimed at alienating me from the world! I used to think, there are six billion people in the world, and there isn’t a single friend in sight for me.

My evenings used to be spent brooding alone over how pathetic state was. My mornings would begin with a dread of going to the school and facing my peers who were sure to be unkind to me. Eventually, I had built this fear up to a point that it was impossible for me to go out and perform any group activity without judging myself every single time, in every single act. Sadly, while participating in any activity, my focus was more on how I involved myself in the group, rather than how I performed in the activity.

To put things into perspective, I am not a sociopath. I don’t think I have ever had any habits that might have been annoying or disgusting. In my later life I found out that I have reasonably good communication skills and am told that I have a good sense of humor. In fact, I like being around people. I like to observe and help others and even try to lend an ear in their difficult times. When I am in the right mind, I do come across as friendly and confident.

But in all fairness, my fears have not entirely been baseless. There has always something different about me and I don’t mean this in a boastful way. That’s just the way I have been. In my entire life, I have never quite ‘fit in’ anywhere. Consciously or subconsciously, I have always been the one to stand apart from the crowd and not always has this been a pleasant experience. Coming from a family of cultural fence-sitters, I was never cast in a mould. I was neither a traditional Indian girl, nor a modern, westernized one. I was neither studious, nor callous. I was neither a vagabond, nor a conformist. I was interested in arts, but was not an artist. I was interested in science but was not quite logical in my thoughts. I loved to experiment with things, but never had the patience or perseverance to take anything to culmination. I was flighty in my attention and unsure about my destination.

I would tend to get extreme reactions from the people I interacted with. Some absolutely adored me, others considered me distant and conceited. Then there were some who just did not want to have anything with me and others who sought me out. I seemed to make some people uncomfortable in my presence but make others feel secure.

The reason for my distress, unfortunately, was that I never had a panoramic view of my interactions. I would tend to concentrate only on the negative ones. I would blame myself for evoking negative feelings but never appreciated the way I was when I drew a positive reaction. Later in life, when I began my recovery, the first step to accepting myself just as I am, was, in fact, developing a broader view of life.

Now looking back, I realize, even during those difficult times, I did have a few loyal friends who stood by me. In their company I would feel secure and comfortable. I was, in fact, incredibly possessive of them at times. As I remember the time I spent with them, I am amazed how these people could love me in spite of my insecurities and mood swings. I feel thankful that these people are still my closest friends and we still share the same kind of bond.

But, at that time, I did not realize their value. Until much later in life, I never understood that having only a few but loyal friends is far better than having several fleeting relationships. I did not understand that the so-called popularity of many of the people I was jealous of, was, in fact, a mirage. People used the crowd around them as a way to hide inherent insecurities and mutual distrust.

I tried several things to become popular. I tried to be dominating, pretended to be gregarious and outgoing. I took on many masks to impress people. I tried to feign friendships. But somehow, I think, through these pretensions and masks the internal hollowness showed through. I never had any success with being someone I was not. And all this only exacerbated my distress.

So what was it that made me change?

I don’t think it was something as dramatic as an epiphany or a eureka moment that transformed me overnight. But, I do remember one day when I sat brooding, a thought appeared in my mind - this has to stop. This is not a way to live and I am not going to live like this anymore, I decided. Whether this was because the scale of my distress had tipped beyond the point of endurance or whether maturity was finally catching up with me, I don’t know. But I knew, from that point on, my emotional journey from being an insecure, self doubting person to being a confident, secure, independent person had begun. However, from that moment to this was a long journey, fraught with several setbacks.

As the determination to change the way I was living became strong, the first thing I did was to take a long, hard, objective look of the situation. I asked myself a few questions – was I really as pathetic as I made myself to be? Did I have any bad or annoying habits? Was I doing something I should be embarrassed about? Or, was there something wrong with the world that I lived in?

It was then that I realized that there was nothing wrong either with me or with the world. What was wrong was my attitude, my way of looking at things. My habit of focusing on the negative and a lack of faith in myself was creating a domino effect in my mind, leading to extreme insecurity and acute distress. It was me and not the circumstances I was in that were making my life miserable. If I was to have any hope of getting over my insecurities I had to work on internal independence. Only when I was independent emotionally would I be able to treat others and more so, myself, fairly.

A major hurdle to be surpassed was to train myself to stop be judgmental for it was my habit of constant judgment that made me self conscious. This habit of mine was not allowing me to be natural and truthful in my interactions. My self consciousness made me unsure and nervous and I was prone to saying and doing things that annoyed others. Once I started giving myself breathing room, my interactions began expressing my natural charm and loving nature. Even if I made a blunder, I could overcome it quickly. Slowly, gradually, my confidence increased and so did my emotional independence.

As I learned to accept myself just as I was, an astonishing thing happened. I began seeing other people, not as my superiors but as people just like me. I could see them for what they were. I could see that most people shared the same insecurities as I did. What everyone needed was a little love and respect, just as I needed it. I learned an important fact of life – you would receive unconditional love, only when you are able to give the same to others. Slowly, I was learning the maxims of independence and interdependence and how they were mutually related.

There is a long way to go and I still fall into the trap of self judgment once in a while. The insecurities raise their ugly head sometimes. But then I remind myself a song I heard many years ago

Tum besahara ho to kisika sahara bano
Tumko apne aaphi sahara mil jaayega

(If you don’t have someone to lean on, be someone on whom others can lean. You would get support automatically)

I hope my ability to love transcends all boundaries so that no one amongst the six billion people in this world can say that there isn’t a friend in sight. For there will always be at least one – me.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Of Life and Death

So here I am, back again, admittedly, after a long, long time since I did any sensible writing.
Life has changed a lot during this time. First, there was the news of Ammi's death and coinciding that, a new revelation - the awareness of a new life growing inside me.

So this is what living is about, bracing death and embracing life! As Ammi's memories fade, the anticipation of this new life inside me grows. Each day I metamorphose from a young woman to a mature woman and I find out what motherhood is all about. It is not for nothing that women crave for motherhood to the point of becoming obsessed and insane. To an extent, I was all that myself.

As I prepare for motherhood, I discover things within me which I never thought were present - patience, forbearance and an ability to give unbounded and unconditional love. I seem to be in love with everything and everyone in sight. There are times when I feel I am a mother to the entire world. I can forgive anything. I cherish everything. Each day dawns with an edge of lustrous hope and ends with a nurturing coolness.

There is something new every day - the awareness of the tummy growing just a bit, tiny swishing movements in the womb, appreciating the lustre of the skin and if nothing else, admiring the beauty of my shapeless body and dreaming about a shapely future.

It's not entirely glorious for dark clouds of fear hang somewhere on the horizon. Will everything be all right? Will the baby be safe and healthy? Will I be able to face the challenges life will pose? Will he inherit the problems in my life or will he carve his own future in the soft darkness of time?

But then this is what it is all about, right? After death came life, after darkness came light, after winter came the spring. The living will have to go on, rising on the cadence to the crests and falling to the depths of the troughs, only to rise back again and again. The game will go on until the players are there and once its time for one of the players to go, a new tiny player will be born to take on the mantle.

The saga of life and death will continue to the end of the time.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Goodbye Ammi

After living a long and colorful life of 81 years, you passed away on December 21st - my birthday.

Is this just a coincidence that the day of my birth should be the day of your death?

Maybe it is, or maybe it was a tribute to the strong attachment we share - a bond which has lasted across decades, miles, generations, and now, lifetimes.

Ammi you will be missed forever...

Friday, December 8, 2006

Freedom

Its been so long since I have written that, once again, I find myself stranger to words. Last time I wrote, I was angry with God. In a four line poem, I denounced Him, challenged Him, questioned Him and at the same time, begged Him to be kind.

He listened, kindly. Even though he had better things to do than to pay attention to the mindless ranting of a nameless, faceless woman, who probably has no better role in the scheme of things than a mote of dust has in a sandstorm. The mote plays its part in the destruction of the old landscape and re-creation of the dunes, but by itself, it has no identity. Perhaps, it shouldn't have any. For if every spec of dust had a mind of its own, the sandstorm as a whole would have no meaning.

But a mind of my own I have. Although, I don't understand he scheme of things. Yet, I find myself being dragged in the whirlwind of this life, thrown this way and that, all the while demanding to understand, demanding to change the direction in which I would be hurled next time.

Funny thing is, occasionally, God listens and I find myself thrown in the direction I asked to go. But once I get there, I never know what to do. Then I am as lost as I was before. The worst thing, perhaps, is that either I have to grapple with the fear of losing the place where I have arrived or that place is not what I had imagined it to be. I try to control my destiny, but only to find that destiny controls me. And she is a veteran at the game.

Does every blade of grass, every leaf on the tree, every spec of dust have a destiny of its own? And how do they deal with something as "bad" as annihilation of their being? If one leaf falls earlier than the others, if one blade is trampled upon, if one spec is smothered, do they just accept it as it is or do they complain in their own language to the God who created them? Isn't it the nature of the universe to accept what is, as is? Then why should we human beings be any different? Why do we challenge, question and judge everything, all the time?

I wonder if, with all our talks of freedom, human beings are the most fettered creatures of all. We are, and since time memorial have been, in the clutches of our own desires and fears.

So what is it that would set us free? Acceptance or judgment? Surrender or fight? An ability to die when asked to die or an ability to struggle to live?

Many questions these are. But then, am I really free to question?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

God

I just need a single success
You need to thwart a million attempts

Won't there be just one time
When you'd fail to be watching?

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Cycle

The leaves fall off
With the call of the fall
The blood runs out
With last dregs of hope

The womb lay still
Empty, yearning
The cold settles proud
On the raw, naked branches

Another winter, another episode
Of long, frigid waiting

And then it just ended
Just like it began
Even the waiting
Had to just stop

Life was to be lived
Once, once more
Little fists had to curl
In the once empty womb
Little leaves had to sprout
With a statement of hope

A cycle it was, and always has been
The winter comes, so does the spring

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

101

"So you quit blogging, right?" He said
"No! Why would you think so?" Me, bewildered
"Well, you don't write anymore"
"Of course I do!"
"Yeah Right!"

Interesting, I have this conversation when this is the 101st post on this blog. A cause for celebration? Maybe! But I have never counted how many posts I wrote. I just found out that this was the 101st post by looking at the dashboard. And now, if one were to measure how many of my posts made any sense, 101 would seem quite a tall number. Right?

Writing for me has always been an unconscious activity. Many times I have written and reread my own work only to ask myself, what the hell did I just write? It has never come by force and, like all other aspects of my life, I utterly lack the discipline in writing.

Many times I have written in the middle of fixing a tough bug, or even during meetings. Just like that, out of nowhere, words float into my mind and form patterns, these patterns then whirl around and acquire meanings and all I do is just jot them down. How many times has this been an act of volition? I can never tell.

I have tried in vain to be a disciplined writer and ended up being a self conscious one. During such writing "sessions" I sit in front of the computer and stare at it for the prescribed duration and then doze off. Not a single word comes at my beckoning but when I least suspect, words come in torrents and continue to come until I pour them out.

Some people in this world actually like my writing and many times I have been told by them that I should take my writing further. They tell me I should try to be a published writer. But honestly, I don't know what this "further" means and I have no clue how and why would anyone publish any of this.

This is who I am. This is the best I can be. Now if someone decides to publish it, be my guest! You call this lack of ambition? I call this freedom, for words will sprout and take root to form a beautiful landscape only when they are allowed to waft free.

So, who should I dedicate this 101st post to?

I dedicate it to you, the patient reader and to her - that silly Arundhati, who lives inside me, and who still chooses to dream...

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

How can I ever show you my dear
Where is it that my eyes wander
What is it that makes my feet dance
What is it that makes my lips quiver

The silhouettes of dreams that shimmer afar
The rapture of the songs that sing in my heart
The vistas, the visions of places surreal
The road, the journey I am about to embark

Can I take you there? Maybe I can
Can you hold my hand? Maybe you can
But as I get lighter and as you get older
In your embrace you will see I will wither

But maybe when I go, I will just transfer
From the depth of my bosom to the depth of your heart
The silhouettes of dreams, the visions of lands
The map of the road for a journey afar

Friday, August 25, 2006

Silent Surrender

A hunger to deep
A thirst so raw
My lips so parched
My soul so empty
Not a thing, not a person
Not a place, not a being
What is it that I seek
To sate this yearning
I rise up the crests
I plunge in the troughs
Then come back to land
Emptier than before

They say its so close
Just look in your heart
It shimmers they say
In your silent surrender

I am yet to know
What this silence is
I am yet to learn
To surrender this being
But one thing I know
The old shore is lost
The only way now
Is to swim to thy feet
I only just hope
One day you will accept
All that I have
In a silent surrender

Monday, August 14, 2006

Virtual Rituals

A few days ago, a colleague who sits in the next isle of cubes wrote me an email,

“Arundhati, I am observing Laxmi vratam, would you come to my house for the pooja on Friday evening?”

“Sure, I’d love to!” I wrote back.

“Sweet! But hey, make sure you don’t have your period then…”

“Make sure!? How can I make sure?” I wrote, bewildered.

“Now, that’s your problem right? Hehehe!!”

“Hmph!! I will let you know on Friday.” I wrote, frowning.

“Hey, seems like you got mad! Don’t be mad, please. I don’t believe in this too you know, but what if the Gods get angry? So, I don’t think its appropriate! You understand, right?” She got slightly defensive.

No, I could not understand this. First, I was annoyed she had written me an email instead of walking over to my cube which is about ten steps from hers. And, second, this period business always throws me off the handle! I could not believe well educated, careerist women like my friend were still hung up on these beliefs. I have always believed that periods are, perhaps, the holiest of secretions of our body!

I could not go to her pooja after all. I did not make sure I did not have my period. In fact, it was as if I made sure I that I had it on that day! No regrets, I thought, I’d rather have my period than go to a pooja I did not believe in. But this episode made me wonder, are we following traditions just for the sake of following them or do we really believe in them?

In the traditional Indian society, innumerable rituals were celebrated throughout the year. Tradition mandated observing of many fasts and penances, poojas and festivals. If one thinks about these closely, one notices that these festivals and rituals were sequined in the lifestyle of the old Indian society, which was mostly agrarian. In fact, what you eat, what you wear, what rituals you perform, what rules you follow was all based on the current season and the agricultural produce available at that time.

The forefathers of the society made these rituals a part of the religion, probably in an effort to make religion part of life. Every festival, every ritual was to have a spiritual basis to it. The feelings with which these were to be celebrated were those of devotion, universal love and reverence towards life. The penances and sacrifices done while following the vratams were to purify the mind and control greed, lust and other disturbing tendencies. The main aim of these activities was to establish harmony and brotherhood in the society.

However, in the recent years, the Indian society has undergone a rapid change from a predominantly agrarian society to a predominantly modern one. In time, these rituals have morphed into dogmas. Blind beliefs, caste system and gender segregations have crept into what was once a pure and joyous way of life. The true spirit of religion has been lost and rituals are often followed without truly believing in them. More often than not, these occasions are used to show financial muscle or social clout. Instead of creating a harmony in the society they have ended up creating disharmony.

With the rapidly changing social landscape, one wonders, is it appropriate to follow the traditions for the sake of it? How can we tell that what we are following in the name of culture is what it was really meant to be? Do we ever wonder if the original thought has been tarnished by blind beliefs?

Although I was annoyed at my friend, she did make an interesting point – what if the Gods get angry, she had said, indicating that God was someone whom we should be afraid of. Isn’t it interesting that instead of love of God, what we have in our minds is fear of God?

These days, religion has been commercialized in many places. The other day I had gone to a temple near my house. This is a big temple which houses many deities worshipped at different places in India. In a sense, the idea behind this place is wonderful as it brings us expatriate Indians from various parts of India together and reminds us the we are one people. Many devotees come and worship the Gods to feel peaceful. However, one day I noticed that outside the temple, a priest sat at the counter, collecting money for Abhishekas – a special type of pooja. Above him, a hoarding read, “Pay for Abhisheka of two deities and get the third one free!” They were even offering a discount if one booked the Abhisheka through internet!

Really, what is important? This ritual of Abhisheka or the feeling with which it is done? If the feeling is pure, does it matter how we worship the God who loves one and all? And if we do choose to follow the ritual, do we make sure we do it with utmost purity and humility or does greed and commercialism creep in unknowingly? If you are going to pay for the pooja, would you not inevitably think what would give you the greatest bang for the buck? You would want more attention, if you gave a greater donation. You would want a special darshan, a more royal treatment before God. In all this commercialism, the real meaning of the religion is all but lost!

During the Ganesha festivals, the idols of Ganesha are stacked in the grocery stores just like the vegetables and spices. Sometimes, there is dust on the idols and even cobwebs around the place where they are kept. People who go to buy them first check the price, then turn the idols this way and that to see if there is a snag. They select the best idol they can get for their money and put it in the grocery cart with the rest of the grocery. The idol is placed in a plastic bag irreverently with dal and rice. It is then taken home and set up for pooja.

Seeing this sight in one of the grocery stores made me miss the little ceremony we used to have when we brought the Ganesha idol home. In the small town that I grew up, Ganesha festival would be celebrated in every house just like it was done in ours. Our father or uncles would go to the shop to get Ganesha’s idol and we children would follow them enthusiastically, forming a little procession. Before going to the shop, we would all make sure that we were properly bathed and wearing our best clothes. The feeling we had was as if we were bringing home someone who is very important.

“Ganapati Bappa Moraya!” we used to sing, in the praise of the lord, as we brought him home, covered under a silk cloth. The idol was then set it up in a specially decorated spot ceremoniously and pooja was performed.

For the next ten days, Ganesha would be the most celebrated guest in the house. The whole household would gather in the mornings and the evenings to sing the praise of the God. The sounds of mantras would resonate through every household in the town, along with the fragrance of incense and camphor. Lord Ganesha’s favorite foods were cooked and offered to him during the pooja. And this food was later consumed by the family in his name.

Then, after ten days, the idol would be taken to be immersed in water. As we took out another procession to see off the lord, we would sing

“Ganapati Bappa Moraya, pudhchya varshi lavkar ya!” Hey, lord Ganesha, please come sooner next year!


After the ceremony, we would come back with a heavy heart. It was as if a dear friend had gone away from us.

These days, celebrating the Ganesha festival has become a group activity. Various groups compete with each other to show off their decoration for their Ganesha. Who bought the biggest idol? Who spent the most money? These questions seem to be more important that the festival itself.

When I see on TV the lewd dancing, loud music and the fistfights that happen these days in the name of celebration, my mind fills with sadness. Really, where have we lost all that? Where is the love, the simplicity, the humility, the reverence? Where is our real religion?

Today we live in the virtual world – a world which is fast losing touch with reality. We email our friends, not talk to them. We send our brothers Rakhi greetings. We use evite to invite people to our parties. We decline these invitations through the same site. We can download pooja programs and follow the rituals. We even visit websites of various temples to pray to the Gods.

However, despite this, we have not lost our blind beliefs. Still, somewhere, we believe, I am a Bramhin, I am a Hindu, I am a Muslim, I am a Catholic. All we want to prove is that I am different from the other, that I am better. Just like everything else in our life, our religion, which is, first and foremost, being human, has lost it’s reality. It has become virtual!

Here’s hoping that we get out of the clutches of the virtual rituals and wake up to the real beauty of humanity.